It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
