I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Holy sore nipples Batman
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
