I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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