I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
