he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Holy sore nipples Batman
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
