If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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