Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
