A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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