I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
