Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
