I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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