Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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