If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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