Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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