he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
