I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
