Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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