GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
