I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
