Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
