sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
