So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
