I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
