Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
