And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
