I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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