So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
