guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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