I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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