Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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