nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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