Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
