Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
