This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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