booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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