y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
