Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
