Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
