So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
