Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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