I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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