I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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