Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Someone signed my nipple.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
