Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
