guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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