My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
