My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
