i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
