You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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