i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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